One of the many reasons I joined Peace
Corps was because I wanted to gain experience in international
development. Well, I have, and I think I never want to do
international or any kind of development work again.
Why such strong feelings? At present I
am working on a grant with my sitemates to do a girls' empowerment
conference. Girls and boys conferences are a common thing for PCVs to
organize to teach a small group of youth about HIV prevention, gender
equality, and gender specific issues. It requires a grant- a very
detailed, tedious, repetitive, confusing grant process that takes
forever and is really difficult to do when you don't have electricity
and live in a village! As I have completed my first year in country,
and am nearing a full year in my site, I have been thinking a lot
about the future. Also, I have a short attention span and am rather
anxious to get onto the next adventure in my life, whatever that
might be. I have been thinking a lot about returning to school, after
doing something that will somehow accrue money in order to pay for
that school. Do I want a masters in public health? Global health, or
epidemiology? Do I want to face the dreaded MCAT and apply to med
school? Do I want to do something completely different? What do I
want to do with my life?! Another reason I did Peace Corps was to
postpone answering this question, but unfortunately the question
hasn't disappeared yet. Its rearing its ugly head at me, and I am as
indecisive and flighty as ever. If my opinion of this grant writing
business is any indication, though, anything requiring grants in my
future is out! No, I do not want to write the same thing four times
in different wording and formatting so you, Grant Coordinator, can
tell me to fix it and do it again!
The other day I had a crazy time at my
clinic. I had one of those days when I think wistfully of one day
practicing medicine in America, where when a man comes in with crazy
green blisters all over his hands that then turn into open sores and
scabs and you have to test him for HIV, there are gloves available
rather than stealing them from the fancy delivery kits (thanks USAID)
and then getting scolded for doing so. Or a doctor who knew how to
use insulin would be present, so we wouldn't have to ship the patient
and insulin (which needs to be refrigerated) to another village an
hour away, or at least if we had to do that, there would be ice packs
or something, rather than scraping the ice build up from the sides of
the freezer to pack around the insulin in a used mebendazole bottle.
I love working at my clinic- its the thing that occupies the majority
of my time, and I love working with mamas and babies, teaching, and
then doing all the stuff I'm not qualified for or supposed to be
doing according to Peace Corps. But there in lies the problem- I'm
not qualified, I don't know what I'm doing, the people who are
qualified don't know what they are doing either because this is
Tanzania, and we never have the supplies we need. I can dream of
medicine in America, where things are clean and there is money, but
everyone else I live and work with can't escape these conditions. And
in my puny little role as a volunteer, with a whopping 23 years of
experience in absolutely nothing, don't know how to change that. I
sound really dejected- I'm not. I know what I can reasonably
accomplish in my two years here, and I don't expect more of myself.
Peace Corps would be a lot harder if I did. My clinic debacles are
funny in hindsight, experience, and make for great stories. If I do
ever pursue development work in the future, I will be much better
prepared for it by doing this now. And I am eternally grateful that I
was lucky enough to be born where and when I was so I can go back to
better conditions when I choose.
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